Caring for self while caring for others

Caring for others is hard work. Being exposed to others' trauma opens us to our pain. It is important for caregivers to be good stewards of themselves. The Webster's II New Riverside University Dictionary defines stewardship as “the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care.” As counselors, we're entrusted with people's stories and, at times, their lives. This is an incredible honor and a tremendous responsibility. In counseling, we create space for and honor clients' hardship and pain. To be a good steward of this privilege is to remember the sacredness of this relationship, to maintain the highest ethical practices, to act with integrity, and to honor our responsibility.

Stewardship of our relationship with clients is not just a good idea you hear about at a conference. It is a daily practice, tending to others' and our pain, suffering and trauma experiences. It entails learning to stay present in our counseling, no matter how difficult the stories we hear might be. It means slowing down what we hear from clients in order to be curious about what is happening within ourselves. It is paying attention on purpose, in the present moment.

Counseling involves listening non-judgmentally, suspending our assumptions and biases, and simply being present to another. To be an effective counselor, we need to pay attention to our intention. It doesn't mean putting on a happy face. Instead, we need to embrace the paradox that if you are to be effective as a counselor and experience joy in what you do, you can't afford to close yourself off to the experience of pain.

There are many barriers in our daily lives that get in the way of this attentiveness. Some barriers are personal, some societal, and others institutional. Ever say to yourself, “When my boss leaves, I'll feel much better,” or “When we get more funding, things will run more smoothly,” or “If I can attend this conference, I'll learn how to be a better counselor.”

One of the most profound influences on our personal stewardship is who we are as individuals-our own history of pain and suffering. Yes, some organizations foster pain when they ration services, operate bureaucratically and focus primarily on the bottom line. Societal forces influence our self-care; these include systematic oppression, racism, ageism, sexism, ethnocentrism, elitism, or heterosexism. Some organizational or societal issues can and should be addressed to seek change; others require regular recitation of the Serenity Prayer, accepting that which we cannot change.

‘I'm OK, but I worry about her’

For some, the elaborate structure we build around our hearts resembles a fortress. We build a moat, we add sharks in the water, we create new weapons to defend ourselves from the pain of clients, and we build higher and stronger defense walls. When we finally hit the wall, we find ourselves locked inside a protective fortress of indifference and apathy (“Who cares? What can I do to change this? I've got to get a better job”). What we did to survive destroys us. The key is rather paradoxical: We need to dismantle the walls, melt down the weapons of our heart and open ourselves to the pain of others.

Does any of this sound like something you at times experience? Here are 13 signs of trauma exposure.

1. “I so often feel helpless and hopeless. Why am I getting out of bed today? Why am I bothering to go to work, other than because I need the money?”

2. “I can never do enough.” This leads to a sense of internalized inadequacy.

3. “When I get to work, I feel I have to be hyper-vigilant and attend to everything.”

4. “I don't have any original thoughts anymore. I'm bored with what I'm doing. I can't remember the last time I felt creative.”

5. “The first word out of my mouth lately is ‘no.’ I love the Mom I am treating but I hate the Dad. I always knew the new effort would be a disaster.”

6. “I came home last night and thought, as my daughter told me about her hard day at school, ‘You think you've got problems. You should hear the stories of the kids I saw today.’ I wanted to say to a client, ‘You should be grateful for what you have, in comparison with other patients here.’” Nothing ever seems to engage your empathy.

7. “I can't remember a time when I wasn't tired. My body seems to be keeping score. Been there, done that.”

8. “I want to just turn off the phone and not talk to anyone when I go home-and many times during the day. I pray it will snow today and the agency will be closed (and I live in Miami!). My favorite day of the week is when I don't have to go to work.”

9. “I deserve better pay, a safer work environment, more respect from my boss, and greater resources.” This is a sense of persecution, of “them vs. us.”

10. “I feel guilty because I can leave at the end of the day and go to a safe home.”

11. “I'm not an angry person. Everything is fine at work.” And then the conversation over the water cooler becomes cynical and angry about “them” (whoever the “them” may be).

12. “I feel emotionally asleep. I can't empathize anymore. I feel numb to pain. I don't have any ‘oh my’ moments anymore. My children say I don't play with them anymore. I don't laugh or sing now.”

13. “Who else will do it if I'm not here? I cannot leave; they rely on me.”

Creating change

If this sounds familiar, here are ways to navigate to a sense of openness and wholeheartedness. The theologian Brother David Stendl-Rast said the antidote for pain is not just rest but wholeheartedness.

Here are some questions to ask yourself. Do you find any consistent patterns or themes in how you look at clients? Is what you are doing working for you? Does it edify you and bring joy? The keys to self-care are to develop a sense of personal control, to pursue personally meaningful work, to make healthy lifestyle choices, and to have a solid system of social support. The following are steps to caring for yourself:

1. Come into the present moment. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron says we ought not to get caught up in hopes that we will achieve anything in the future. What we do right now is all that matters. Mae West said, “When in doubt, take a bath.” Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh calls this to have a spirit of aimlessness. That's contrary to Western culture that tells us to “do, do, do.” “Doing” is only effective when we begin with a stillness within ourselves that comes from being in the present moment. When we are in this precious, present moment, we are able to stop the pattern and return to an awareness of what matters most.

2. Find your passion. Plain and simple, passion is a commitment without conditions. It is directing ourselves to greatness, obeying our priorities and following what calls us. Persian poet and philosopher Rumi wrote, “Let yourself be silently drawn by the pull of what you truly love.” What's in your heart and how do you approach work? Make peace in the space of your own heart before you attempt to do so with others.

3. Ask yourself, “Why am I doing what I'm doing?” Is this working for you? Find a calling that serves you while you serve others. Once you have a “why” you can handle almost any “how.” Consult with someone else about why you're doing what you're doing. Get their feedback about your “why.”

4. Ask yourself, “Where can I best focus my energy today? Why am I focusing on that?” Find a mirror and stand in front of it. Notice three things about yourself. Are they positive, loving and kind things? If not, try again. Focus on the beauty you see.

5. Find a Plan B. What else would you do if you couldn't do what you're currently doing? Your Plan B might be a career change, a new place to live, a new approach to work, or a totally new life. Ask yourself, “If I weren't doing this, what would I love to do?”

6. Build community. What is your personal support system? With whom do you need to reconnect? What would your ancestors and those who raised you have done to heal themselves and others? When they experienced trauma, how did they go on?

7. Practice self-compassion, which is rooted in humility, vulnerability and a sense of interdependence. The Dalai Lama reminds us to practice internal disarmament by being more compassionate to ourselves. You can't take a person to a place you haven't been. Think of someone from your life who showed you compassion. Hold that person in your thoughts while you allow yourself to remember what it felt like to be with that person.

8. Change what you can change. Ask yourself, “What can I do to change the system in which I work?” Find three ways in which you can progress toward positive change at work. Avoid any situations that will leave you feeling bitter or isolated. Offer a shoulder to someone at work who needs a helping hand, even if it's your boss.

9. Find balance in your life. Surround yourself with people who are wholesome, healthy and positive. Make an appointment with sleep. Remember, humor has the ability to help us change perspective quickly.

10. Weave gratitude into your daily life. Justice and unfairness will not disappear overnight. Instead, bring light and wellness with you to work. And when you put your head on the pillow tonight, say, “It was a good day. I did what I could do.” Practice joy!

In conclusion, when you go to work, don't ask what the world needs. Ask what brings you alive. Then do that. The addiction field needs people who have come alive.