Lean Into Love When Supporting Those With Addiction During Holidays

This time of year, most people will encounter the ubiquitous exclamation of “happy holidays!” It’s easy to get caught up in the positive sentiment. But the holidays are not a happy time of year for everybody. For those struggling with addiction or in recovery, the holiday season can be anything but joyful.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people with mental illness report that the “happiest time of the year” makes them feel worse. Even if you don’t suffer from substance use disorder or diagnosed mental illness, the holidays can feel pretty tough.

It’s understandable. Suddenly, we’re yanked out of our daily routine to attend parties, buy presents, and deal with family members we probably haven’t seen all year. Our budgets are strained, our schedules are disrupted, we’re thrust into anxiety-producing social situations, we’re reminded of those who aren’t with us anymore, and we’re expected to not just smile through it all but be “joyful.”

That added expectation of joyfulness can make the already-enervating demands of the holiday season that much more draining.

The holidays are tough, but for those struggling with addiction or in recovery, the holidays can be a minefield loaded with guilt, anxiety, shame, and ample opportunities to relapse. Considering that “the average American sees a 100% increase in their alcoholic drinking habits between Thanksgiving and New Year’s,” according to a 2020 study, it’s not surprising that people who are dealing with substance use disorder have a particularly hard time over the holiday season.

So, what can be done to ease the season’s mental and emotional burden on those coping with substance use disorder? Here’s a suggestion: lean into love.

While it might sound like an abstract — and maybe naive and idealistic — concept, love is anything but. Philosophers and poets may have struggled with defining “love” over the centuries, but it’s not all that complicated. It just means getting outside of ourselves and caring for each other.

Of course, theory’s one thing. Putting love into practice is another. Here are some practical ways to help this holiday season:

Practice compassionate listening and try to have meaningful conversations. How many times have you greeted someone with “Hi! How are you?” and then not listened to what the other person had to say? It’s nothing to be ashamed of — in American culture, nobody’s expected to respond to the question “how are you?” with an honest answer.

But why not break the mold? Take the time to listen. Use active listening skills. Paraphrase what the other person is saying, so they know you heard them. Refrain from offering advice. Ask lots of questions, be curious. Listen without judgment and focus on them, not on all the other stuff that’s going on. Really try to hear what they’re telling you about how they’re feeling. You’ll be amazed at how meaningful your conversations can be and how much support you’re giving.

Understand people’s boundaries. Sometimes what you think is “enough” is “too much” for someone else. Let them tell you what they want to tell you: Don’t press for information they’re not volunteering. It’s OK to ask questions — in fact, asking questions is one of the best ways to show you’re listening — but don’t pry. If they’re not telling you something, there’s probably a good reason.

Have grace for one another when we fall or don’t make the best decisions. Everyone messes up at one time or another, and people who are dealing with difficult situations tend to make mistakes more often simply because there’s a limit to what our human brains can handle at one time.

If you’re in recovery and give in to temptation, it doesn’t mean that your recovery is over. It just means you must work harder to understand why and try to figure out what you need to do to get back on track. “Addiction” isn’t an “either/or” thing: just as you or the person you care for didn’t develop a substance use disorder overnight, a relapse doesn’t mean that you should throw all the work you put into recovery out the window. Recognize what happened, try to figure out why, think of how to prevent it from happening in the future, and keep moving forward.

No matter what happens, make sure that loved ones know you love them. Saying “I love you” doesn't come naturally to many people. But like many things in life, the more difficult option is often for the best. Even if we love someone, sometimes it’s hard to say the words because doing so leaves us vulnerable. But that’s OK. You don’t always have to say the words, but it’s important that the people we love know that they’re loved.

Try a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Give them a smile and a nod, or a thumbs up and a high five. Offer to help them with something that they’re struggling with. To understand love is to understand that you’re not alone. If they know that you’ll be there for them they’ll understand that they’re loved.

Be authentic and open. Share our gratitude with one another. Above all, you can’t help yourself if you’re not honest. Yes, it’s emotionally risky to tell someone else how you feel, but not doing so is just as risky. Especially during the holidays, when there are so many expectations and so much pressure to “put on a happy face” no matter the circumstances. Being authentic and open with your feelings cuts through the emotional clutter of the season and lets the person you’re with know they’re not alone.

And that’s probably the best gift you can give anyone.

Laura Dahl, LCPC, is assistant program director for family services at Ashley Addiction Treatment.

The views expressed in Perspectives are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Behavioral Healthcare Executive, the Psychiatry & Behavioral Health Learning Network, or other Network authors. Perspectives entries are not medical advice.