Adopt a Pet Peeve

   I recall a clever series of illustrations in Mad Magazine many years ago that portrayed colloquial expressions as imaginary animals. "On the horns of a dilemma," for example, showed an unfortunate soul who was about to be gored by a creature--the "dilemma"--that resembled a demonic bison. "Going out with a bang" was another, I think, although I might be confusing that with a high school date that went surprisingly well.

   My favorite cartoon was "Nursing a pet peeve": Picture the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil in a diaper, guzzling milk from a baby's bottle. I think of that drawing whenever I hear the expression "pet peeve." I'm less reflective when I encounter any of my own peeves; I want to confront--or at least counsel--the perpetrator. Then I remember civilization requires opinionated people like me to suppress indignation.

   What is a pet peeve, anyway? It's not in my dictionary, but if you combine definitions of pet and peeve, you get something like "an object of annoyance for which you show fondness." Clearly, dictionaries don't do sarcasm well; objects of annoyance are much too...annoying to generate fondness. The positive side to pet peeves is that they're relatively benign elements of individuality. Everyone's entitled to their own peeves. What irks me might not bother you (unless we're debating disco's role in 1970s counterculture).

   EMS breeds procedural pet peeves because the job permits broad interpretation of the art, if not the science of prehospital care. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, we adopt practices honed through trial and error. Even modest success makes us wonder why everyone doesn't share our preferences. When frustration over perceived "noncompliance" by colleagues reaches critical mass, we feel irritated.

   It's cathartic to discuss pet peeves. I hardly ever do, except with my wife, and then only on days that end with y. I wouldn't expect you to have as much patience with me as she has, so I'm limiting my list of EMS-related peeves to 10 I suspect many of you share. Let me know if I've missed any:

   Compulsive texting. I admit I lag state-of-the-art technology by 5-10 years (I was the last on my block to swap rotary phones for push-button models). Maybe that's why I still haven't accepted texting as a form of conversation. Or perhaps I don't understand the urgency of updating others hourly on life's minutiae. IMHO it's NBD if my BFF doesn't know I'm LMAO right now. OMG.

   Responders who address geriatric patients with superficial terms of endearment. I suppose I'm old enough to be called "Pops," or even "Gramps" by my kids and their kids, but not by telemarketers, retailers, service providers or EMS crews. I bet my elderly patients dislike being patronized by youngsters as much as I do.

   Motorists who don't yield to emergency vehicles. I guess drivers have become desensitized to lights and sirens. But not to water cannons...

   Crew members who crank up the audio to rock-concert levels. Two principles here: Good music stands on its own merit, even when the bass line doesn't register on the Richter scale. And my favorite tunes aren't necessarily on my patients' playlists. En route entertainment should be elected, not inflicted.

   Instructors who don't do their homework. PowerPoint is a cool tool that helps organize presentations. It isn't a substitute for knowledge of the material. Lecturers can best convey expertise by amplifying slides--not by reading them.

   Ambulances that haven't been cleaned or restocked. I like cheeseburgers, but finding an aged, half-eaten one on the ambulance is not a good way to start a shift. Neither is changing a D tank registering less than 500 psi, swapping excess infant non-rebreathers for missing adult masks, or replacing bicarb that expired during the Bush administration.

   Radios that don't work. Range, reception, battery life--pick a problem. And yet we can talk to Jupiter.

   Habitual tardiness. Most of us endure long hours, multiple jobs and sleep deprivation to make a living in EMS. It's no big deal if we cover for each other once in a while, but it's time for a tune-up when lateness becomes a habit. Personal schedules with no slack for late calls or rush-hour traffic make it difficult to meet commitments consistently.

   Assisted-living facilities that don't prepare for emergent transports. Hello? Anyone there? Guess I'll just follow the sound of coarse crackles. Maybe I'll find paperwork pinned to my patient.

   Sunglasses worn during patient care. Sunglasses preclude eye contact--an important part of communication--and make uniformed personnel look intimidating. That's not an impression I want to reinforce.

   Want to know another pet peeve? Pontification, like in the preceding paragraph. Notice how I substituted opinion for knowledge. I hate when that happens.

   Mike Rubin, BS, NREMT-P, is a paramedic in Nashville, TN, and a member of EMS World Magazine's editorial advisory board. Contact him at mgr22@prodigy.net.