But I Love Him – and Other Things Women in Abusive Relationships Say

Most therapists have worked with a woman who has just spent at least two sessions outlining the terrible things her partner says and cruel things he does. When there is outright physical abuse, it’s easier to advise her about safety issues and living alternatives, especially if there are children involved. I give information about the women’s shelter and a handout from them on packing a safety bag, etc. 

If she is ready to hear that there are alternatives to living with abuse, I have even gone as far as meeting her at the local emergency room to smooth her transition into the shelter. To this day, I have no idea where the safe place of the shelter is. 

But when the abuse is “just” verbal – incessant criticism, being told she’s ugly and no other man would want her – all while the man is still demanding services from her, it’s much harder. Especially when her answer to the question, “And why are you with this man?” is BUT I LOVE HIM. 

Then the observing part of me wants to say, “What the hell is wrong with you? No one deserves to be treated like that. Leave him ASAP.” 

But, of course, I don’t. That would be a challenge and only send her running back to what seems familiar. After all, she’s known him longer than she’s been in therapy, and there’s a reason for the expression, “the devil you know”. 

But if I assume she might be ready to consider changes, I ask her to imagine how she would like things to be different – just a fairy-tale. That might start her thinking it how might be okay to want to be treated decently. Sometimes just getting a woman comfortable with these subversive ideas takes a number of sessions. 

Things go a bit more quickly if the woman has children. In that case, I remind her that her children are watching. Her son is learning how to treat women; her daughter is learning what to expect from a man. Does she really want that future  for them? Even if she has difficulty imagining a better scenario for herself, she is usually quick to answer “no” to wanting that future for her children. 

Although usually a woman’s presence in therapy means she is at a ready point to make changes, sometimes a woman is not quite ready. I can only hope she will have a confirming, positive experience with me, and I will remind her that stopping therapy does not mean failure and that the door to therapy is not one-way.   

What approaches to a patient in an abusive relationship have you found helpful?  Later, I will write about working with men in abusive relationships – yes, they do happen.

Leslie Durr, PhD, RN, PMHCNS-BC is an advanced practice psychiatric-mental health nurse with a private psychotherapy practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The views expressed on this blog are solely those of the blog post author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Psych Congress Network or other Psych Congress Network authors.