Misleading Messages of the Resting Face

People come to therapy for many reasons. Often there is a sense of living uncomfortably in the world – relationships aren’t working out the way they want; others don’t respond to them they way they would like; and at work, they feel devalued and passed over for recognition despite hard work. 

For example, individuals who grew up in dysfunctional homes become good at erecting non-verbal barriers to protect themselves – an armor, if you will – that may reinforce the very discomfort from which they suffer. 

As therapists we learn to listen to our patients; in our training, we may have learned about Reik’s listening with the third ear (1) and have honed our skills at suppressing formulating our next comment to put more effort into listening completely to what the patient is saying. 

But we therapists need also to listen with our eyes. We should observe the non-verbal communication that accompanies the verbal communication and note discrepancies. A recent humorous faux public service announcement is making the rounds of social media (2), and it reminded me of a patient many years ago. Although I was not aware of this pseudo-malady then, it certainly applies. 

A young man came to therapy unhappy with the way his social life was going. He had a good job and several work acquaintances, but his social life was not working out the way he wanted. When he attended social gatherings, he felt that no one seemed interested in talking with him, and he felt that women, especially, seemed to be repelled by him. 

As we worked together, he became comfortable and was a warm, engaging man with a dry sense of humor who was able to introspect well. I noticed that as we talked, his face grew more relaxed and friendly, but that each time he entered my office, his face looked like he hated something very much. His face registered arrogance and disdain, even though those traits did not come across as we talked. 

It occurred to me that if he showed this arrogant, off-putting face at work or social events, it was no wonder that people didn’t warm to him. His resting face had adopted an armor that kept people away – the very thing his conscious, adult mind didn’t want! 

This is a surprisingly common problem—people often find that their neutral or resting facial expression sends the wrong message about how they're feeling. Others may tell them they look: 

• Angry / grouchy
• Sad / upset
• Worried / stunned
• Snobby / judging everyone
• Hostile / looking for a fight
• About to snap and hurt someone at any second / like they're about to kill someone
• Preoccupied / zoned out / spacey / lost in their head
• Expressionless / blank / impossible to read
• Or even downright nasty 

Whatever the misleading facial expression is, it can give people the wrong idea about you and even cause them to avoid you. 

I was unaware of the new “social media diagnosis” of  “&*%$*# resting face” back then, but I gave the patient a verbal prescription that the next time he was in a social situation, he was to smile at three people and speak to three other people. 

He thought it sounded silly but was willing to try. When he returned, he announced that the strategy was magic. Then we discussed the non-verbal messages he was sending and how he could change the way others who didn’t know him well viewed him. 

Have you encountered this phenomenon in your patients? How do you recommend that they address the problem?

References

1. Reik, T. Listening with the Third Ear: The inner experience of a psychoanalyst. New York: Grove Press, 1948.

2. https://youtu.be/3v98CPXNiSk

Leslie Durr, PhD, RN, PMHCNS-BC is an advanced practice psychiatric-mental health nurse with a private psychotherapy practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The views expressed on this blog are solely those of the blog post author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Psych Congress Network or other Psych Congress Network authors.