On Shame

For a while, I have been thinking about how to write about shame and its relative, guilt. Recently, an incident put the topic into perspective*. 

While visiting a friend, she took a phone call. It seemed to be an official kind of conversation since her whole demeanor changed: she sat up straighter on the couch, and her voice was serious and somewhat anxious. 

Suddenly, her little dog jumped up next to her and stared intently at her; it didn’t bark, just looked at her. Almost without looking, she reached out her hand and knocked the dog off the couch. It wasn’t a gentle push; it was a shove. 

When she got off the phone, I expected her to give attention to the dog and express some guilt for what she had done. When she didn’t, I commented, and she got a bit huffy and said, “No, I don’t feel guilty; he interrupted my phone call, an important phone call.” 

I was surprised because she loves this dog, but I have seen her justify her behavior before. She’s admitted in the past that she has a hard time apologizing or acknowledging any behavior that might warrant an apology, and I can attest to that in our relationship. 

And, as I pondered that interaction, I realized that was the difference between guilt and shame. 

Guilt involves self-criticism for a mistaken act or behavior. The self-criticism is directed at an error that one has committed for which the person feels bad and wants to make restoration. Guilt does not involve a feeling of worthlessness. 

Shame, on the other hand, involves complete self-condemnation. It is a major attack against the self in which the individual believes he or she will be found utterly unacceptable by society. As a result of its overwhelming force, shame causes feelings of disgrace and dishonor. A person who feels shame wants to hide from everyone, including herself. When a child has been raised in an atmosphere of shame, she learns to hide her true self, and she develops a “false self” that often looks the very opposite of ashamed. 

Having known my friend since childhood, I knew the family in which she grew up. Her father worked in a technical field and subscribed to a view that everything was black or white, right or wrong. You were either smart or stupid, and asking questions meant you were stupid so you’d better figure out answers yourself. And never, never admit to not being perfect. 

Individuals develop an internalized view of themselves as adequate or inadequate through many experiences in the family of origin. Children who are continually criticized; severely punished; and judged for who they are, not what they do, get the message that they do not ‘fit’ in the world — that they are inadequate, inferior, or unworthy.

These feelings of inferiority are at the heart of the shame-based personality. Once low self-esteem is formed, the person becomes hypersensitive — they experience embarrassment or shame, afraid that they will be found out. 

These rules are the operative principles that govern shame-based families:

•           Control.  One must be in control of all interactions, feelings, and personal behaviors at all times.  Control is the major defense against shame-based feelings.

•           Perfectionism.  Always be right in everything you do.  Avoidance of negative judgment or criticism—or any suggestion that you’re less than perfect—is the organizing principle of life.

•           Blame.  Whenever things don’t turn out as planned, blame others and self-righteously defend yourself at all costs, although occasionally you can blame and denigrate yourself as well for something minor.

•           The no-talk rule.  This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need, or want.  So no one speaks of his/her needs or feelings of not measuring up.

•           Don’t make mistakes.  Mistakes reveal the flawed, vulnerable self.  To acknowledge a mistake is to open one’s self up to judgment, criticism, and the implication that you’re not good enough. 

•           Low trust.  Don’t trust anyone, and you’ll never be disappointed.  If I can’t trust my parents to show me how valued I am, I can’t trust anyone.

While shaming has the power to control behavior, it does not have the power to teach empathy. When we repeatedly label children "bad" or “stupid”, we condition them to focus inwardly, and they become pre-occupied with themselves and their failure to please. Thus, children learn to label themselves but learn nothing about relating, or about considering and comprehending the feelings of others. For empathy to develop, children need to be shown how others feel. 

People who grow up in shame-based families are very sensitive to criticism and have a hard time apologizing. The slightest criticism sets off feelings of inner shame.  They feel worthless, not good enough, broken, unlovable.  So, they cover up their shame by getting angry, being defensive or keeping themselves emotionally removed from people who love and care about them. Harriet Lerner believes non-apologizers are made, not born. 

Through many years of friendship, I understand this about my friend and love her still. This episode reminded me that I must be mindful of the difficulties faced by patients with whom I work when they have sprung from families that adopt shaming as the foundation of their functioning. 

*Although this is not about a patient, the story has been changed in minor ways to shield identities. 

References

1. Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing the Shame that Binds You.. Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

2. Lerner, H. (1985). The Dance of Anger. Harper Perennial, New York.

Leslie Durr, PhD, RN, PMHCNS-BC is an advanced practice psychiatric-mental health nurse with a private psychotherapy practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

The views expressed on this blog are solely those of the blog post author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Psych Congress Network or other Psych Congress Network authors.