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How Did Heel Spurs Become Public Enemy Number One?
03/05/2014
The cool, dark west Texas night sky was nearly silent. It was almost like I had been placed into some type of surreal soundproof chamber. There was a big silence, except for the occasional coyote howl, and of course the regular cracking and popping of the roaring campfire. But that was like white noise. You never heard it unless you really concentrated. There is nothing like being out on a roundup, resting by the flickering fingers of the orange and yellow flames of the fire, being bone aching tired from herding cows all day. Then the silence ended.
From the other camp I heard: “I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle.” The campfire songs had started.
Somehow, between trying to remember if it was Gene Autry or Tex Ritter who sang the song (actually both of them did), and what that song really meant, I had a flashback into my day job as a heel pain terminator. I was with a couple of colleagues on this drive and I knew that they were trying to forget about their day jobs as well. However, the song kept playing in my mind: “I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle.”
“What does that really mean?” I silently asked myself. “Spurs” means something completely different to cowboys. Cowboys wear them with pride. In fact, they have to earn them. To us wannabe cowboy heel pain terminators, spurs are hated and reviled. Cowboys want to put spurs on and wear them with pride, and most of us want to take them out or at least fixate them a little. But should we? What has that heel spur done to you and, most importantly, what has it done to your patient?
Now we had gone there. Yes, sir and madam, I could not shut out work even on our first day out on this adventurous cattle drive. Call mothers against ADD. We have got a violator here.
Spitting a piece of gristle from my steak into the fire (cowboys are supposed to spit and do stuff like that), I cleared my throat, slapped my chaps (another real cowboy maneuver), and broke the rules of Man-cation. “Dudes, let’s talk about heel spurs,” I proffered.
“Let’s talk about which one of my ischial tuberosities is sorest and then you can kiss it,” my esteemed colleague John (going by Curly this week in honor of City Slickers fame) fired back with annoyance.
“No, seriously. I think there is merit (nobody says merit around a campfire and nobody proffers, for that matter) in discussing this,” I protested.
By now, they knew I was not going to give it up. Both of them looked at each other and then at me, and said in unison: “He’s disturbed.”
Damn right, I am disturbed, my fellow vacation cowboys. “Curly, you especially should listen up. You’re still takin’ ‘em out, aren’t you?” I accused.
“Maybe but what’s it to ya?” he sassed back like a little third-grade school boy.
I sighed. “And what about you, Duke?” (Robert wanted his trail ride name to be “Duke” even if there was not a “Duke” in City Slickers. Since that violated the City Slicker theme, I as the terminator decided I was to be henceforth known as Arnold.) “Are you still taking them out?”
“Hell no. Stopped doin’ that years ago,” he said with his eyes downturned in an apologetic look.
“OK,” I shifted around so that I could see them better without being blocked by the flames. “Let me ask this first: how did this little “trabeculous” piece of bone become public enemy number one? Surgeons for over a hundred years have focused on it and patients have too.”
Curly responded quickly: “You can see it. It looks like they have to hurt and when I remove ‘em, I can hold up the post-op film with pride showing the patients that the spurs are gone and that I really did something. They like that.”
“Nice. You are treating the X-ray and paying homage to the almighty view box rather than optimally helping the patient. Do they like not being able to walk without pain for weeks?” I shot back.
Curly got up, dusted off his sore hindquarters, and kicked at the fire. “All right, Arnold, since we can’t get you to shut up anyway, why don’t you enlighten us about the spur?”